Space Invader

Somehow…it has happened

Space invasion…total occupancy

My heart…My thoughts

My ideas…my voice of reason.

How did this happen?

Why, where, when did you get in?

Who gave you the key?

My space has been empty for so long.

Unoccupied…Unattainable

Now here you are

Filling me completely.

Neither touch, smell, sight or taste

to guide my judgment and yet

Here you are!

In my space and yes… I am loving it!

Missing you when we are not together.

Needing you…wanting you…loving you

Even though you are not here.

I wait…patiently(?)

Until our time comes.

I love you

Space Invader…

Mirage

Images of an apparition

Play pallor tricks with my mind
Teasing me with thoughts of happiness
Understanding…togetherness…

At one point
I’m excited…full of life

At another
Am I empty…alone…incomplete?

I feel confused…lost…

My soul’s searching…
Searching for the water that will quench my thirst…
Taking the dryness out of my eyes…
Replacing the fluids in my heart.

Could it be that I have found it?
Or is it dehydration that makes me hallucinate?

I stumble through this life lost…
Stranded in this desert of despair.

Every now and then
An oasis…a temporary relief
A small puddle of water in my arid space.

Maybe one day I’ll escape this desert
Finally reaching my ocean
Where birds will sing and mermaids will dance
In the flowing waters of my happiness.
It is only then that this savage thirst will be quenched
And I will once again…be complete.

“YOU’RE NOT A LADY…YOU’RE A MOTHER”

From the mouth of my 4 year old, these words came to me. To be honest I didn’t know whether I wanted to take this as a compliment or an insult.

I was on the computer cruising my favorite online clothing stores when my youngest came into my room. After changing my television station and doing a couple of flips on my bed he comes over to me and asks what was I doing.

I responded, “nothing really, I’m just cruising around online looking for some nice clothes”.

He says, “Oh…Ok”. And proceeds to stand at my side and watch as I go from page to page… outfit to outfit secretly wishing that I could afford to purchase everything that I had just added to my wish list.

Just as I was about to give up my search and venture into something else, he says in a surprised voice, “Hey…those are ladies on those pictures!”

I said, “Yes they are…they are ladies just like Mommy.”

AND THEN…In his most authoritative voice, he corrects me by saying, “You’re not a Lady…You’re a Mother!”

Stunned I sat there and looked at this little person. I didn’t know how to take accept this statement. I wasn’t sure if I was offended or complimented. My little bundle of joy just walloped me with a whopper.

Wasn’t a Mother a Lady? A Woman? Wasn’t I as pretty as those women modeling the clothes? Did this little one know something I did not? Did the teacher at Pre-K give him the secret answer to all things Mommy?

I was so bothered by this statement that I had to go and look up the definition for the term lady.

Here is what I found…



n., pl., -dies.

     1. A well-mannered and considerate woman with high standards of proper behavior.

     2.

          a. A woman regarded as proper and virtuous.

          b. A well-behaved young girl.

     3. A woman who is the head of a household.

     4. A woman, especially when spoken of or to in a polite way.

     5.

          a. A woman to whom a man is romantically attached.

          b. Informal. A wife.

     6. Lady Chiefly British. A general feminine title of nobility and other rank, specifically:

          a. Used as the title for the wife or widow of a knight or baronet.

          b. Used as a form of address for a marchioness, countess, viscountess, baroness, or baronetess.
 
          c. Used as a form of address for the wife or widow of a baron.

          d. Used as a courtesy title for the daughter of a duke, a marquis, or an earl.

          e. Used as a courtesy title for the wife of a younger son of a duke or marquis.

     7. Lady The Virgin Mary. Usually used with Our.

     8. Slang. Cocaine.

Hmmmm….

You Found Me…I Didn’t Find You…

First born to an ex black panther
Who wanted a son…

To an ex marine
Who raised …a soldier

Too many step mother’s to name...
The little girl learns early …
The game ….
Of how men and women do their thang …

DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO…
Your just in house punnanny baby (the girl thinks to herself)
Of this woman who will soon be replaced by another…
You see, some women like to be super step mommy
To prove their love to that man…

Until mad day comes along….
And the little girl is all alone….

...Again

I want my mommy

Missing the feel of a mother’s arms…
The advise only a mother can give her little girl…
Sick and tired of being a motherless child…
The little girl who is now a young woman….

Plans…

I’M GONNA GO FIND MY MOMMY…
(You found me…I didn’t find you…)

Ignoring a that nagging voice in the back of her head…
The young woman plans and searches …
In secret…
Behind her father’s back to find the woman who gave her life…
The Goddess of her dreams…
The savior of her soul…
Her sanity…
Her everything…

(You found me…I didn’t find you…)
On the day of her first sons birth…
She ignores the labor pains and rejoices…
I’VE FOUND HER…MY MOMMY IS HERE!!!!

(You found me…I didn’t find you…)

"I love you…I miss you…come be with me!" mommy says…
That was all I needed to hear.
(You found me…I didn’t find you…)
Without the blessings from her father the young woman leaves for California…
Leaving her EVERYTHING behind…
RUSHING TO THE ARMS…
OF HER MOTHER…

(You found me…I didn’t find you…)

And after the first few weeks
The woman who had been the subject of my reoccurring dreams
For as long as I could remember……

WOULDN’T INTRODUCE ME TO ANYONE…
WOULD BARLEY TALK TO ME…
WOULDN’T EVEN HOLD MY SON…

Let alone…
My hand…..
(You found me…I didn’t find you…)
One night she waited until everyone had gone to sleep
Called me to her room…
And said…

YOU FOUND ME…I DIDN’T FIND YOU…

Damn…….

Forgiven

I forgive you for the mistakes you’ve made, the hurt you’ve cause. For the bad judgment calls.

I forgive you for wanting to be loved, for believing that people are honest and fair. Even for thinking that people will treat you the way you treat them.

I feel sorry for your loss of love, your broken heart, your loneliness which never seems to go away.

I feel sorry for your endless search to nowhere for the love you never had and will never find. For the pain you’ve suffered alone.

I am angry at your seemingly lack of faith. Your loss or lack of prayer. I am angry that you feel you have no one…sometimes not even God.

I am mad as hell at your thoughts of self destruction. Your feelings of “I Quit” that you think no ne knows of. Your forgetfulness, forgetting that everyone has a bad day.

I am inspired because of your fighting spirit. The way you stand after being knocked down.

I like it when you get mad and start to think clearly. When you accept the challenge and tackle it with a vengeance.

I am relieved to know that you still have love in your heart and that no matter what happens you still believe that there is still some good in the world.

I am happy to know that even when you feel that God has left you alone, you continue to talk to him and walk with him on your mind never forgetting a simple prayer before everything.

I am hopeful that God will forgive and understand the decisions, the mistakes, those discrepancies and you’re sins.

I am prayerful that God grants you the strength to accept and deal with all that life has thrown your way…and especially for the strength to love yourself.

"A Token of Love"

“Ode Of An Angry Army Wife”

Today…Not a good day….

Today I woke feelin kind of uhhhh

I feel like I don’t wanna do this shit again…

Get the kids off to school.

Argue with the toddler…

Listen to other wives piss, moan and holler.

From the toddler to the teens… everybody always needs…..

My money…my time…my space…my everything!

I don’t want to be available to chat when HE is available

I don’t want to be kind, considerate and understandable…

I want someone to understand where I’m coming from!

Not pat me on the head and push my feelings under the rug.

I don’t wanna watch my language…..

Don’t wanna hold my freakin' tongue

I don’t wanna avoid eye contact because damn ...

it’s been too damn long…

I’m sick and tired of being the strong one all the time….

Sometimes I wanna be the one so sit in the corner and cry…

But I guess then …that wouldn’t be me..

Those who depend on me would probably pass out at my feet…

Unfortunately I’m always the one who always has to be strong …

No one ever thinks that I need someone to lean on!

So don’t bother me today because today is not a good day…

Let me sit here with myself and work on putting this anger away…