Lost Love

Why must we pretend that our love doesn't exist?

That is never existed…

 Walking past one another as if we were strangers…

As if we have never indulged in the physical,
emotional and mental pleasures
That kept us lovers for many years.

Not allowing ourselves to see...to touch...to feel…

The love that once held us together

The passion that put tears in our eyes

The compassion that made us...friends

Ignoring the magnetic pull that lifts my hair

That pulls my eyes in your direction

Ignoring the tingling feeling in my hand

That begs for one last feel

One last touch

 

Mentally ignoring the pleading look of your soul

As it begs mine...To reconsider.

Oh how I wish I could turn back the hands of time

Or maybe click my heels together three times

Perhaps there's a falling star somewhere with my name on it.

I wish I could forget the wasted moments of...waiting

 

Waiting…

For you to believe that my love for you was real…

Waiting…

For you to realize that I always saved my love for you

Waiting

For you to stop misleading my ears with sweet nothings

Waiting

For you to stop wasting my time

Waiting

For NOTHING

 

I wish I could forget the way my heart tried to kill me…

When after so many years of you and me

You called me personally

Just to say That you had gotten married

To another...

Well HOT DAMN!

Was I really supposed to say congratulations?
Did you want me to send a wedding present?

I wish I could have stopped the shortness of breath

The episodes of anxiety attacks

The fits of depression

Can you come get those extra pounds I gained?

Or bring back the gallons of tears that I lost

Or hell,

Can you replace those heart wrenching memories of
being alone and crying my eyes out

Can I make you understand why I feel alive...again

Why I can stand to see the sun with my eyes...again
Why the birds are singing and the colors in my life are vibrant...again

If you could still see into my soul

Would you be afraid to see the things I wanted to do...to you
For hurting me
For misleading me
For using me

Would you shiver at the anger I had for myself

For allowing you to make me feel as I did?

Would you cower at the memories

Of the day you finally professed your love to me,
The day you learned that I was about to marry
The day you realized that your love no longer had a hold on me…

Would you feel insulted

As I did
When you began to understand
Why I felt anger
Pity...for you

Would you feel insulted

As I did
When you decided that NOW you wanted to pursue...ME
That ….NOW...you realized your love...for me

Now that you know that the love that I once reserved for you

Has escalated...and matured...and thankfully

Gone to another…

In my mind I try to separate the variable

But does a squared +  b squared ever = WE,

meaning him and me?

No matter how hard I work the problem,

I'm always left with the remainder of Him and She

How can I subtract the she, add me and end up with an equation that has me being the new she?

 

 

Had a frustrating day...
And an even more frosting night...
I awoke from my sleep feeling mentally and physically tired instead of refreshed.
But my memories of you and the us that we are gives me comfort and the strength to tackle another day.

...I opened my eyes, looked in the mirror...and saw someone that I had not seen in a long time. "Me"

Difficulties have a way a making us forget who we really are. Find that one thing that makes you...YOU, hold on to it for dear life and let it be your "Forget Me Not".

Lessons from my father:

When a MAN wants a woman he will pursue her and she will never have to wonder how he feels about her.

A Few Minutes Alone

All I needed were a few minutes alone.
Time to gather my thoughts
To spend time...with me.

A few minutes alone
To come to some understanding
To clear my mind
To make a conscience...decision.

A few minutes alone
To breathe the clear air that returns...
To hear the birds that sing...
To listen to the song in my heart that only comes alive when you're not around

A few minutes alone
To zero in,
On this need that is inside me
Anxiously waiting to come out.

The need...
To be happy
To be needed
To be loved
To be desired
To be cherished

All I needed were a few minutes alone

...and with that time alone, I have made my decision.

Mom's Sick Day

MOM’S SICK DAY "The rantings of an irritated Mom" (11/24/11)

It’s official, Mom is having a sick day. After all these years of being a Mother and a wife, it still amazes me how everyone reacts when Mom gets sick. It’s like the house just shuts down. Nobody’s cooking or cleaning, the baby may or may not eat, heaven forbid if MOM needs something to eat. And if you are lucky enough to get a plate of food you're not going to have anything healthy. These last couple of days, I’ve had frozen waffles, sausage , hash browns and eggs, chicken noodle soup and I’ve eaten the hell out of a bag of plain tortilla chips, orange juice, ice tea and water.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m always grateful for all that is given and done for me but I tell you what, I’ve got to hurry up and get myself back together. The lack of food and ugly attitudes are getting on my nerves.

Can you believe, that while I’m limping around the house in pain that the “Diva” would walk past me like she has got the biggest attitude in the world. I say “Good Morning”. Mind you, I haven’t seen this chick since I left out the door last night going to the ER. She just stomps passed me again while I’m sitting on the couch, like I’m not even there. Well, since I know that sometimes I don’t speak loud enough for people to hear even though I am a natural loud talker, I extended my greetings to her again. This time I remembered to address her with the proper title…you know how it is…”Good Morning Diva!” I say to her again and this time she replies, not with a return good morning but with an, “Oh, I didn’t see you over there”.

Ooooo weeee that little girl was so nasty I almost forgot that I was sick and just stood up and cracked her one. She’s been pacing back and forth across the living room, in front of me for the last few minutes and she doesn’t SEE me? Yeah whatever….. I’m assuming that she had an attitude because she didn’t want to leave for school early. But, since she wasn’t in one of her most expressive moods, I didn’t get any clarity.

To be honest…I really didn’t care. The Diva is always on some emotional roller coaster. She flip flops like a fish out of water more often than not. Some days I look at her and ask myself, “was I that bad as a teenager”?

So anyway, after the older children left with my husband. My middle school son a.k.a “The Social Butterfly” makes me a cup of iced tea, and helps me get comfortable before he leaves for school. Before he walks out the door he tells me “Mom, when you get sick, it’s just doesn’t seem right…the house is just not right.

That’s the closet show of sympathy that I’ve gotten from anyone in the house.

The husband stares at me when he doesn't think I’m looking as if he’s seriously confused. My oldest was up when I got in from the ER and when I told him what was wrong he’s got a yeah whatever attitude. Not, do you need anything, let me help you get up the stairs or nothing. Wow, these people really know how to make you feel even more like crap when you’re already down. Kick the dog when its down, why don’t you?

I guess if I’m not cooking, cleaning, driving and catering to everyone else’s needs then I’m the enemy. Deep down I know that that’s not how they feel but it sure seems like it sometimes.

Today, I’ve decided that I do not want to be sick anymore. I’m determined to get back up and mobile. I’ve dragged myself out of the bed and gotten dressed to pick up my youngest from Pre-k. It would have been nice to actually be able to lay down and let my body heal itself but the hubby is military and for all my military wives…you KNOW how it is. He said that he would try to take a break and go get him so I wouldn’t have to leave. But come on ladies, this is the army, he’s not my man, he’s the army’s man. When they say he can go, then he can go. I can’t wait on that. So I guess I’m going to take advantage of the fact that I have $10 in my wallet and get Mr. Pre-K and myself something to eat so I will not have to worry about the two of us eating. I'm not worried about those attitudinal folks who can cook and fend for themselves. If I had enough energy, I’d venture over to the Chinese food place, at least then I could get some kind of vegetable in my system.

Good Lord…is all I can say..

The REAL Superwoman is at it again.

One of these days I’m going to catch up with that woman flying around her undies and cape who takes all of the credit and shake her up a bit, because she is definitly not superwoman.